Tunnel Vision: Stop the Disappearing Lane Interlopers

By Brendan O'Hallarn Wednesday, September 01, 2010

I have one small, guilty pleasure on my sometimes torturous drive from Williamsburg to Old Dominion University.

On the way home each day, three lanes of traffic become two just west of Jefferson Avenue in Newport News. Invariably, motorists play the angles, seeing just how far they can travel along the third, disappearing lane, before merging into one of the two remaining lanes, while not causing an 11-car pileup.

And invariably, there’s always one guy who decides that it’s simply unacceptable to get in line behind a half-dozen cars, insisting on pinning the gas pedal along the sliver of road to merge in front of them.

My mission in life: Stop the disappearing lane interlopers.

Juuuuuust before they get to me, I’ll drift ever so slightly into that fraction of a lane, providing a Ford Explorer buffer between Kyle Busch in the Nissan Sentra and the open pavement in front of me.

The dirty looks I get are priceless. But as far as I’m concerned, I’m merely enforcing fast lane etiquette.

What is fast lane etiquette? I’m happy to explain.

Basically, it comes down to five ironclad rules, which, when simplified, amount to “don’t be a complete jack-in-the-box about it.”

Here are the Tunnel Vision rules for the fast lane:

1) If you’re in one, and someone’s faster than you, move over if you can. Duh, I know. But how often do you encounter someone doing 64 in a 65-mph passing lane, when everyone else wants to go 80? See that line of cars in your rearview? You caused it.

2) If someone won’t get out of your way, don’t tailgate them. Yes, it’s a pain. I imagine slowpoke drivers in the fast lane being 95 years old, and barely able to see over the dash. But if you ride someone’s bumper, flash them with your high beams or do something similarly aggressive, it’s not likely to make Mr. Inobservant move over meekly. If he or she can move over and hasn’t, you can always dart to the right to pass if you’re going a great deal faster. Don’t be that motorist everyone hates.

3) Also, see described action above. Passing lanes are passing lanes. They do not include the shoulder, or the grass in the middle of the Interstate, and when they end, the road narrows for a reason. Didn’t pass that tractor before your passing lane disappeared? Thanks for playing. Wait for the next opening.

4) Are you eating? Talking on the phone? Fiddling with your CD player? Sorry, you forfeit passing lane privileges temporarily. Rules are rules. I’m not saying I don’t do all of the above activities on the road. Sheepishly, I’m a repeat offender. But if I’m yakking, I’ll get back in line and let the people actually concentrating on driving slingshot past.

5) Don’t feel the need to use the left hand lane, just to show how fast you can drive. If the road’s empty, the right lane works just fine, actually. If the Interstate’s full, you’re often just as likely to get there faster in it. And if it rains (or heaven forbid, snows) the left-hand lane is a repository for all sorts of hydroplane potential. Fifty-two miles per hour in the middle or right-hand lane and arriving alive beats 66 mph in the passing lane and ending up upside down.

For me, one other thing acts as a counter-balance to the allure of the fast lane. I-64 through Newport News gets patrolled fairly heavily by the Virginia State Police. And thank goodness; I couldn’t imagine driving that road without the referees.

They didn’t follow the Tunnel Vision rules for fast lane etiquette.