White Knuckles: The Holiday Catalogue Ritual

By Brendan O'Hallarn Wednesday, December 14, 2011

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I’ve always wound down very quickly at night. Being perpetually tired these days has only accelerated this process. My wife (while just as tired) has always had more difficulty falling asleep. So now a typical late evening for us goes like this:

Me – (Climb into bed, lie on my back, pull covers up to my chin) “Wow … I’m tired.”

Wife – (Looking annoyed at my sudden urge to lapse into a coma) “Don’t you want to read?”

Sometimes I do agree to read for a few minutes, even though I never want to. No matter … within a few minutes, I’m in my usual pre-sleep pose of lying flat, staring straight up at the ceiling and waiting for my wife to turn off the light.

What is she doing by this juncture? She’s got a pen out while she diligently goes through catalogues. Not for her – my wife almost never shops for herself. No, one of her favorite things to do is flip through catalogues and find cute things for the kids, diligently circling them as possible Christmas and birthday gifts.

I tease her about it all the time, calling it her “pornography.” But I looked on the floor on her side of the bed today, and wow, she has quite an exquisite collection.

“But it’s Christmas!” she protests. Of course she still looks at kids’ catalogues in July. But she’s right, the holiday season means the stack of fliers with gift suggestions is more than a foot high, instead of merely a couple of inches.

I’m not a fan of shopping in the abstract, but I grabbed the hefty stack of glossy paper catalogues, just to see what capitalism is sending our way this Christmas.

Observation No. 1: Kids who model in catalogues are a tiny bit creepy. The first one I looked at was from the company Toys To Grow On. The cover art advertised the Kid-Safe Makeup Center. Wearing more eye shadow than Tammy Faye Bakker, the two little girls smiled in open-mouthed jubilation at the toy bling all over their face. One word about the Kid-Safe Makeup Center as a possible gift: Hecktotheno!

Observation No. 2: You’re not fooling us, catalogue companies. Kids will not wear the winter clothes you advertise so effortlessly. In One Step Ahead, a group of kids looks like they couldn’t possibly be having more fun playing in the snow. Were those real kids, at least one mitten would be lost by now, and that child would be sobbing that their hand is cold.

Observation No. 3: You can find ANYTHING in these catalogues. I saw a dinosaur with a custom-fitted jet pack. And kids’ night vision goggles. And a tiny, working wood shop lathe. I remember being excited when I received a Frisbee.

Observation No. 4: I should never look at the prices. Sometimes my wife will show me cute outfits or toys, and they do have great stuff. But I could do without discovering that the toy aircraft carrier that would make my son pass out with joy is 80 bucks. “Remember, we’re not buying these things, we’re just looking,” my wife will say, as I look like I’m about to pass out.

I really shouldn’t complain about the catalogue surfing. We’re about to go out and do the real thing (Christmas shopping). Driving back along Richmond Road today, taking two cycles to get through each light because of shoppers, it made me think we’re about to wish we’d done our shopping by catalogue.

That is, unless we can find an aircraft carrier for a better price.

White Knuckles is a column about life as a busy dad with two very busy kids. Some days, clearly, go more smoothly than others. If you have a story you want to share, a lesson to impart or just want to commiserate, write Brendan at Brendan@wydaily.com. Believe us, he needs all the help he can get. You can also reach him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/White__Knuckles.